If you’re the parent of an autistic child, meltdowns might feel like one of the most confusing and heartbreaking parts of daily life. You see your child upset, overwhelmed, sometimes aggressive or inconsolable — but they might not have the language or emotional awareness to explain what’s really going on inside.
So I want to share what my meltdowns feels like from the inside — as an autistic adult who still experiences them. This post is for any parent or carer trying to understand, support, and better connect with their autistic child, and perhaps even recognise their own experiences in the process. Please keep in mind this is my personal experience and it likely doesn’t describe what all autistic people go through.
I’ve written about the different experiences of overwhelm within my family here: Autistic Overwhelm and Meltdowns: It’s Not What You Think
What My Meltdowns Look Like as an Adult
As an adult, I have much more control over my environment than I did as a child. Most of my meltdowns are now brief, sharp bursts of what looks like anger — snapping, getting grumpy, feeling irrationally overwhelmed. But sometimes, I still have a full-blown meltdown, like I did as a child — and it’s intense.
Let me walk you through a recent experience so you can see how it builds and why it feels so uncontrollable.
The Build-Up: Summer Holiday Overload
It was the first full week of the summer holidays. Normally, I have quiet space between 9am and 3pm to work in peace. But now? My house was filled with stomping feet, singing, crying, snack requests, and general chaos. The relentless noise was slowly grinding me down. Noise is the sensory issue that I struggle with the most, my brain is very intolerant of noise that isn’t being created by me. I’ve written about that here: The Battle of the Brain: Living with Noise Sensitivity and Tinnitus (And Losing It at 4 A.M.)
By the end of the week, every sound felt unbearable. Each footstep was like an assault on my eardrums. The Paw Patrol theme song made me want to move to France and change my name. Even earplugs weren’t enough anymore. My mood was taking a nose dive and my ability to speak or focus was affected.
The Trigger: Nowhere Quiet Left
When I’m overstimulated, a bath often helps reset my nervous system. But this time, even that wasn’t an option. My six-year-old was upstairs playing Minecraft, and the sound of keyboard tapping was vibrating through the house.
I went from overstimulated to desperate — there was nowhere in my home that was quiet. I couldn’t do this any more, I needed quiet NOW and I couldn’t think about anything else.
The Meltdown
My brain started spinning at 100mph. The noises around me seemed louder and more invasive. I felt like I couldn’t breathe — like I was being chased by something but couldn’t move my legs. I was trapped.
I tried to explain to my son: “I need quiet. Just 10 minutes.” But he didn’t understand. He told me he’d turned the volume down. He didn’t realise that it wasn’t just the noise — it was the vibration of him slamming on the keyboard while he played Minecraft, the movement, the presence of sound.
I couldn’t hold on anymore. My body exploded with panic. I screamed. Loudly. Like I was being murdered. My son burst into tears. And so did I.
I held him tightly. I hadn’t meant to scare him — never would. But my body needed to release the pressure. It had built up too high.
The Aftermath
Guilt hit hard. I’d tried all week to cope, to stay regulated, to avoid this exact scenario — and it happened anyway. Thankfully, we were able to talk. He has meltdowns too, and he understood I wasn’t screaming at him, but from overwhelm.
Still, the shame and sadness lingered. Because no one wants to melt down. It hurts.
What Meltdowns Really Are
Meltdowns aren’t bad behaviour. They’re not about being spoiled or naughty. They’re what happens when a neurodivergent brain has been under pressure for too long. When we’re masking, tolerating discomfort, and trying to “fit in” for too long, something has to give.
The meltdown is the nervous system’s way of saying: “I can’t anymore.”
It might look like it comes out of nowhere, but it’s rarely sudden. Often, it’s the result of days — or weeks — of sensory stress, anxiety, social overwhelm, or change.
What Might Be Causing Your Child’s Meltdowns?
When your child has a meltdown, try to step back and ask:
- Have there been changes to routine?
- Is there a stressful event coming up?
- Are clothes or shoes causing sensory distress?
- Is school taking all their energy to cope?
Meltdowns are a form of communication. They’re saying, “This is too much.” Your job isn’t to stop the meltdown, but to understand it.
Some children live an almost permanent state of overwhelm and the meltdowns come thick and fast. As a adult who now only explodes in times of extreme sensory distress, I can only begin to imagine how exhausting and painful this is for the child and the family as a whole.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Failing — They’re Not Broken
Stepping back from judgement, expectations, and shame allows space for compassion — for your child and yourself.
For me, the biggest meltdown triggers are noise and sudden changes of plan. What are the triggers for your child? Or maybe… for you?
You might just find you’re not as different as you thought.
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