It can feel like Groundhog Day every time you approach a teacher to express concerns about your neurodivergent child.
“But they’re fine during the day!”
“They’re coping so well!”
“No problems here!”
Meanwhile, back at home, you’ve got a wild, screaming raccoon of a child tearing up your living room and dissolving into sobs for the fifth day in a row.
It’s a common misconception that if your child is struggling with you, you must be doing something wrong. But the truth is often the opposite.
You can read about my experience with overwhelm as an adult here: Understanding Autistic Overwhelm: A Personal Journey
Why Does My Child Behave at School?
Many neurodivergent children don’t feel safe enough to express their emotions or needs in the school environment.
They don’t want to draw attention, get told off, or feel like they’re doing something “wrong.” So, they mask. They hold it all in.
The result? A child who smiles, sits quietly, avoids disruption, and appears perfectly compliant.
From the teacher’s perspective, they’re a model student. From yours, they’re falling apart the moment they walk through the door.
Why Is My Child Melting Down at Home?
If you’ve ever tried not to cry at work, holding in a big emotion until you’re in the loo or home in your pyjamas—imagine doing that for six hours a day, five days a week… and you’re five years old.
Your child explodes at home because you are their safe space.
They trust you to hold their feelings, even the messy ones. You’re not seeing bad behaviour—you’re seeing emotional release, overstimulation, and relief.
Your child is melting down because you’re a good parent—not in spite of it.
It’s hard. It’s exhausting. But it’s also a vital role in helping your child regulate in a world that doesn’t always understand them.
We ended up having to take a break from school to reset, read about it here: Time Out: Knowing When Your Neurodivergent Child Needs a Break
How to Talk to Your Child’s Teacher About Neurodivergent Struggles
Here’s how to approach the conversation in a way that encourages cooperation and understanding:
1. Be Prepared
Write down what you’re seeing at home:
- Meltdowns after school?
- Trouble sleeping?
- Physical complaints (tummy aches, headaches)?
- Links to school changes—assemblies, non-uniform days, changes in routine?
Be specific. The more examples you have, the easier it is to paint a clear picture.
2. Speak With Your Child
Even young or non-verbal children can give clues. Sit down during a calm moment and ask simple, open-ended questions.
“What do you like about school?”
“Is there anything you don’t like?”
“When do you feel most tired or grumpy?”
Sometimes even throwaway comments can help build a picture.
3. Position Yourself as a Team
It’s easy for teachers to feel defensive—many are under pressure, and emotional conversations can feel like criticism.
Reassure them:
“I know you want to help. I’d love to work together to make school feel less overwhelming for them.”
4. Start the Troubleshooting
Bring some ideas for adjustments based on what you know helps at home. Small, proactive steps can make a big difference:
- Ear defenders in noisy spaces
- Five-minute warnings for transitions
- Extra time to eat or decompress
- Visual timetables or sensory breaks
Even if not everything can be implemented, it shows initiative and understanding.
A Personal Example
When I first raised concerns about H at school, I was told he was doing “so well.” He was calm, quiet, and never disruptive.
But at home, he was completely dysregulated—violent meltdowns, screaming, emotional distress.
I explained to the teacher that while he may seem fine, he was falling apart the moment he left school, and that clearly meant something was wrong. The home-school balance was off.
After chatting with H, I learned:
- The lunch hall was overwhelmingly loud.
- He often felt hot and didn’t know he could take his jumper off.
I suggested:
- Presenting him with his ear defenders at lunch.
- Encouraging him to remove his jumper if warm.
The school implemented both. A week later, his teacher pulled me aside:
“He just seems more relaxed now. A little more willing to join in.”
And at home?
The meltdowns were still there, but less intense. The balance had started to shift.
Final Thought
Communicating with your child’s teacher can be intimidating—especially when your concerns are met with, “They’re doing fine!”
But remember: you are the expert on your child.
If you know they’re struggling, you’re probably right.
Approach the conversation with empathy, preparation, and clear examples—and trust that small changes can have a big impact.
Have you faced this with your own child? What helped get teachers on board? Share your experiences in the comments—let’s support each other.
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