If you are neurodivergent (or suspect you might be), then you might be familiar with what I call The Flap. For me, The Flap describes that horrible sensation of not knowing what to do with yourself—feeling unsettled, on edge, and uncomfortable but unable to articulate exactly why. It took me 43 years of enduring and hiding The Flap before I finally realised what was happening.
One day, I forgot to put the bin out, and suddenly, The Flap began. The day was wrong. Everything was wrong. And I was not a happy human.
For most people, forgetting something as simple as bin day is an inconvenience at worst—annoying, but not a major disruption. But for many neurodivergent people, routine and structure are the glue that holds everything together, the scaffolding that keeps us feeling safe and in control. A seemingly minor interruption can strip away that sense of security, replacing it with uncertainty and anxiety. And when that happens, emotions start to spiral, often manifesting as irritability, stimming, a general sense of unease, or even full-blown meltdowns.
Why ‘Go with the Flow’ Doesn’t Work for Everyone
Growing up, many of us were encouraged to go with the flow—to be flexible, to adapt, to just relax. But what if your brain simply isn’t wired that way? The expectation to be adaptable can be incredibly damaging for neurodivergent people. When a change triggers distress, ignoring or suppressing the fallout doesn’t make the problem go away—it only makes it worse. Repeatedly doing this can lead to escalating emotional responses and, eventually, full-blown burnout.
The reality is that structure is not about control; it’s about predictability. Knowing what comes next in our day provides a sense of stability, which in turn helps regulate emotions. Without it, the brain can go into panic mode, desperately trying to find the pattern again.
Giving Yourself Grace in Routine Disruptions
I’ll admit, I still feel ridiculous when something as small as a change in my morning routine turns me into an irritable gremlin, grumbling at everyone within earshot. But I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. My brain and body genuinely find these disruptions distressing, and I need to allow myself the space to process them.
Instead of spiralling into frustration, I’ve started implementing small recovery strategies:
- Taking a quiet moment to acknowledge the discomfort
- Reframing the situation (e.g., “Yes, the bin didn’t go out, but we are going to be ok. It’s normal to feel like this.”)
- Engaging in self-care to recalibrate before the frustration snowballs. My fave Spoitfy playlist and headphones are essential for this.
Recognising and respecting my need for routine has changed everything. I no longer spend hours—or days—trying to recover from seemingly minor disruptions. Instead, I give myself a moment to reset, allowing me to move forward rather than being stuck in The Flap.
Honouring Routine, Without Letting It Own You
For neurodivergent individuals, routine is not just a preference—it’s a fundamental need. But as with anything, balance is key. A rigid routine can become its own kind of prison if it’s too inflexible, making even necessary changes unbearable. The goal is to build flexibility into routines slowly, allowing the brain time to adjust in a way that feels safe. I choose to have a routine that is task based and not focused on time. So long as I can complete my tasks, the time at which I manage to do that doesn’t matter (so much). This allows me to divert for an emergency poo accident with the kids or pop to the shops, knowing I can get back to the routine when time allows and reduce the risk of experiencing The Flap.
So no, I won’t ever be someone who goes with the flow. But I can find ways to navigate change without feeling like my entire world is falling apart. And that, for me, is enough.
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