My kids don’t do change. At all.
Before we realised they were autistic, we couldn’t fathom the endless tears, violent outbursts, and shutdowns that followed the most mundane events. A different dinner than expected? A new pair of wellies because the old ones were too small? Total meltdown.
Looking back, it should have been obvious that we were an autistic household. Take me, for example—a fully grown adult—stomping around and muttering curses because I was expecting pasta for dinner but got fish instead. Ten minutes later, I was happily eating my fish. It wasn’t about the food; it was about the unexpected change.
Once I realised that even the smallest shift in routine would send my boys into an anxiety spiral, let alone a larger lifestyle shift, I knew we needed a different approach. So I started talking to them, asking questions, and listening. And what I learned from their simple explanations and analysing my own experience changed everything.
For them, change represented uncertainty, and uncertainty meant anxiety.
For me? Same.
What I’ve Learned About Managing Change
Parenting autistic children means constantly navigating their need for predictability while also preparing them for a world full of unexpected changes. It’s a fine balance, but here are the biggest lessons I’ve learned:
1. Time: Processing Change Takes Time
Autistic brains love familiarity—they run on routines, scripts, and predictable patterns. A sudden change can feel like being thrown off a cliff.
The key? Time.
- Small changes (e.g., a different route to school) might take minutes or days to adjust to.
- Bigger changes (e.g., starting a new school) might take weeks or months before they feel comfortable.
- The more time they have to process, the smoother the transition.
2. Early Warning & Practice
As soon as I know a change is coming, I start preparing my boys as early as possible.
- Talk about it frequently. (“We’re going on holiday in four weeks!”)
- Watch YouTube videos about the new place, routine, or event.
- Read books that introduce the concept in a relatable way.
- Create a visual schedule or countdown to make it more predictable. Free resources like Twinkl are great.
Even if it seems excessive, the more exposure, the better.
3. Repetition: The Magic of Predictable Phrases
One of my favourite strategies is using predictable, repeated phrases to help them process change. I have written a full post about this here.
I get them to finish my sentences, which helps them feel engaged and reassured.
Examples:
- “Mummy will pick you up after… LUNCH!”
- “Monday is the first day of… SCHOOL HOLIDAYS!”
This works particularly well if they’re having a wobble. The familiarity of the phrase is comforting and gives them something solid to hold onto.
4. Provide a Soft Place to Fall
Even with all the preparation in the world, change is still hard. There will be tears, meltdowns, and resistance.
Instead of seeing these as “bad behaviour,” I remind myself that:
💡 Meltdowns are part of processing change.
💡 Tears don’t mean failure—they mean emotions need validating.
The best thing I can do is offer comfort—a hug, a snack, a quiet space—so they know they’re safe and supported.
Final Thoughts: Change Is Still Hard, but We’re Getting There
Change will never be easy in our house, but now, we have tools and strategies that are starting to make it more manageable. The more I learn about my kids’ needs (and my own), the more I realise that supporting them through change isn’t about “fixing” anything—it’s about giving them the tools to handle it in their own way.
Because, at the end of the day, it’s not just about adapting to change—it’s about feeling safe while doing it.
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